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it's too cold for kisses, cause i've fallen from heaven, and your halo is just a punch in the face [11 Aug 2006|09:48pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

Wow, I haven't felt like those song lyrics in a long time. Funny how selfish of a person I can be without even realizing it.

I know I shouldn't be scared to go back, but I'm petrified. I don't know what my life is right now, it all feels so jumbled.

oh, haven't we reaped enough
to fill this room with sweet love?

I don't know what I want or want to be or want to know, I don't know if what I'm doing is right, but I can't give up. And at the same time, should I give up? Am I fighting this to fight it or because it's what I really want? Why am I so happy one moment and in tears another?

Why do I act like just another annoying, emotional girl?

I really am a bitch. I always fought that title, but now I guess I need to accept it, or change it. But I can't fight it anymore.

I feel like a failed version of myself.

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you better put some beauty back, yea, while you got the energy [04 Aug 2006|10:30pm]
[ mood | hyper ]

I'm home, world! Tulsa was so refreshing, such a much needed vacation that could not have been more perfect. I spent time with all of his friends while he was at work, getting ridiculously safe 24/7 and playing with puppies and swimming and rock climbing and lots of incredible moments with my love.

May I just say that Kyle is perfect? Undeniably perfect for me in every way. It's so good to be in a healthy relationship that I can rely on, put all my trust in, and still not make a fool of myself. It's just... good for me.

I'm home now, working all the time, saving up money to support myself and my love next semester, I owe him for everything he's done for me... hopefully he'll let me treat him every once in a while. I see him in three weeks, it feels like I'm cheating, last time I had to wait a month and a half before I had only three more weeks to wait, but now it's only been five days and he'll be mine again so soon. I'm scared of what school will do to us like it did last semester, but I think we'll be okay.

I love life right now. It could be the chainsmoking of the Marlboro Lights me and Liz did on he way back from the purse party (Chain smoking, getting buzzed off our asses, and listening to crazy classic rock and disco for an hour and a half on top of making 66 dollars for about 2 and a half hours of work... PRICELESS) but I am flying :)

I love existence and happiness and love and life and music and Periwinkle Spryte and Kyle and EVERYTHING right now. I feel so good.

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wrap me in your cinnamon... i could be your friend [17 Jul 2006|09:17pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Went shopping with Brandon for clothes for work and for new outfits for going to Tulsa... holy shit so excited again. New clothes have a way of reviving the excitement, cause now I'm going to Oklahoma AND I have awesome new outfits to wear. Brandon came home with me and put all my outfits together and GOD this is SO EXCITING!!!!! I can't wait to see my love again. Listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers, this new CD is fucking BEAUTIFUL.

2 and a half days. HOLY SHIT.

I am too excited right now. I should go run a mile or something. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

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if you can't help it then just leave it alone- yea, just forget it [16 Jul 2006|11:20am]
[ mood | disappointed ]

My kitty loves to sleep on the sweater that I knit. I always see her cuddled up on it, and when I was knitting it she was always finding some way to be cuddled up on it. She is the cutest thing alive.

I love Elliot Smith.

4 days till I'm in Tulsa, but I had a really scary dream last night that has made me kinda not wanna go.

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burn me down, if that's how everything's going to start [10 Jul 2006|11:11am]
[ mood | awake ]

Okay, crazy dream update time:

I moved into my college apartment with all these other guys and girls, and there was already alcohol and margarita mixes stacked all over the kitchen, but they were all lime flavored, and I didn't like lime margaritas, but I didn't want to complain so I didn't say anything. Out in our living room all of our parents were there, so I went and sat with mine. Later all the apartment residents were all chilling deciding when to go grocery shopping, then Lisa Benavides came in and started an acting exercise to make sure we were still in shape. She stayed right by me and kept adjusting me and saying I wasn't doing it right, but I knew I was. Then I realized it was 6 o'clock on Saturday and I hadn't picked Kyle up from the airport that morning, but then I remembered that I'd moved in a week early so he wouldn't have been there yet. Then I needed to take a shower, which was located in the living room right in front of the door, and Joey's snake kept sneaking into the bathtub which was full, and I couldn't see cause it was too cloudy, so I kept stepping on him and freaking out. I made Joey come take him away, then while I was standing there naked, me and Joey started talking about our summers. He compared this red spot on his arm to one that was part of my tan on my left breast, and I was completely fine with having this conversation with him while I was naked, but asked him to close the door so no one else could see me. Then I woke up.

Kyle didn't call at all yesterday and I didn't know that's how it was going to be and it was miserable.

I went to Bayley's "Milkshakes and Casanova Girls Only" party and it was so much fun to get out for a while.

On Wednesday I might go with Bonzo and Andy to a cabin which would KICK ASS.

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true love, but for a lack of providence [09 Jul 2006|11:32am]
[ mood | dead ]

I feel like something hung out to dry, if anyone can understand what that would feel like. Kyle's on a cruise ship in Alaska where he gets no reception and so we haven't talked... 11 days is taking so much longer than it should even though I know it's going by quickly.

To The Teeth has saved my life, I'm so glad I found this CD after so long. Ani Difranco is a goddess.

I'm so fed up with this home life... I need something new or something different or just... anything. I need Kyle.

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[03 Jul 2006|06:06pm]
fuck it.
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i am over it [01 Jul 2006|02:40pm]
[ mood | miserable ]

This morning I had a dream where I was trying to save someone, but before I could get to them this woman had a gun and she shot me. I cried out, no! but she shot me through the hand and then 6 times in my back when I turned around to run. These tiny bullets struck me and went through me or stuck into me, the size of the tip of an incense stick. I thought I was going to die because it hurt so badly and I waited to collapse or die or something, but I kept living. I kept trying to show people the bullet holes and figure out what was going on, but everyone was too busy. Weird.

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here's the time i took the blame, throw it on the fire [26 Jun 2006|10:50pm]
[ mood | excited ]

Ben Folds Five and I are getting through the night together...

4 days straight of no safety. It's good to take a break and be totally straight for a while.

Only three weeks on Thursday till I see Kyle. Funny how close it feels now and how far away it felt not even a week ago. Funny how much I love him... I'm so excited to go to Oklahoma and visit him, it'll be a whole new experience, visiting him somewhere I've never been, seeing him after so long apart, knowing we only have a short time together... it'll make it so much more intense, so much more meaningful.

Come back, sun! I wish to bask in your glowing rays again!!!

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please tell me you're just feeling tired, cause if it's more than that i fear that i might break [23 Jun 2006|09:16am]
[ mood | drained ]

out of touch
are we out of time?
So whats another day
that i can't bear these nights and thoughts
of going on without you

Still here at home for another two months. It feels endless. I can't get an image of Kyle in my head anymore, I've forgotten the details of how he feels and looks and everything. It's incredibly depressing, that's what was pulling me through. I've got another month and then I can see him again. Finally.

Getting so nervous about going back to school. They are going to hate me for coming back I think, and if I worry about getting kicked out it just makes it worse like it did the first time...

Life at home is never any good. 27 more days till I'm on a plane to Kyle.

I made a summer mix and it is perfect.

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[15 Jun 2006|12:21am]
[ mood | discontent ]

Breathing and coughing both burned my throat, so I drank some rain.

I feel like I'm not good enough to go back.

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now that frankly will not fly- [07 Jun 2006|03:37pm]
[ mood | clean ]

Well, I have recently emerged from the massive orgy that took place in Keating's room over the past 36 hours... Many lives were changed during the extreme real life lovefest... and I love Keating forever for letting me move in on such short notice :) Now I'm back home, clean, and cleaning, with modest plans for my evening. I love most of you, depending on who you are... chances are, I love you!

Yes, I am insane.

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[26 May 2006|06:01pm]
[ mood | miserable ]

maybe it's the rain that makes my heart ache...

but on days like this I swear it's like I can feel you next to me, only to feel you pulled away again

I miss you more than I remember being prepared for

I forgot how intwined you were with my heart

I wish it wouldn't hurt so badly

I love you.

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but knowing you i hate to see you looking so down [23 May 2006|01:47am]
[ mood | numb ]

I feel like the monotony and the morbidness of the world is the only reason my eyes are open at all.

The way the green light shines through the red on either side at the intersection in my rearview mirror seems hopeless.

I feel hopeless. I would say I'm feeling depressed but that's not right because I'm not sad, or miserable, or anything at all, actually. I am completely numb in the most negative way you can imagine.

Looking around this room I left 8 months ago and now that my life has been lived to its fullest extent all these things do for me any more is bring me down. All anything does that's a part of my life is remind me that I've lived it, to its fullest extent, and now it's over. If I was more morbid I would go suicidal right now but that's not the path I'm walking on for those of you who think this is one of those pathetic I want to die and jump off a cliff moments. It's not. But if we could decide our fate and when we die I would be complete ending my life here. I can't see past this moment, I can't see even a glimmer of an idea of what my life could be in the future, and in the state of mind I'm in right now that means there is no future.

Maybe Donnie Darko will direct an airplane part into my bedroom and I'll die like I'm supposed to.

I'm not being melodramatic. I'm being truthful.

I can't take my eyes off of you.... I always want to cry when I hear that.

The whole ride home I had this whole idea in my head of what was going on, and how to explain it and how to write it down and now I'm just rambling on without any real purpose to anything. I spent my day sleeping and unpacking and moving Kyle's shit into the basement. In two months I travel to Oklahoma to see him. He's happy. I know he's having fun. I'm glad.

Everything I see doesn't belong to me. It belongs to someone who has tricked you all, who you think you know. But you can't know me if I don't know myself. I am not pretty or smart or talented or any of the things my 'friends' seem to think I am. I am nothing. I was originally nothing, and although it'll take decades for me to become nothing again, dust can only exist for so long until it becomes absolute nothingness. I am down a path of destruction that was paved for me by those loving beasts I call my parents.

I am not on drugs. I am not drunk. I am merely here in my mind and in yours, twisting around every thought you are thinking until nothing makes sense any more.

I hope when I sleep, my mind will stop.

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the mean thoughts and cheap shots won't last for long [16 May 2006|12:20am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I have another thing to add to my earlier list of crazy stories:

Tonight- I asked for butter from one of the workers at the Hub. She waves me away, I follow, and ask again. She says something incoherent, and then keeps sweeping. Finally she goes back and gets me three Peanut Butters. I say, "No, butter. The gold rectangular packages." She motions for me to follow her, and then she points to another worker. I say, "Butter." He looks at her and has to translate it for her into Spanish. About 5 minutes later she gets me butter. She asks, "Mas o menos?" I say I'm fine, but she asks again, so I respond in spanish, "no mas. gracias." I hate that.

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wonderful you, the dope you are, and beautiful me, but lately i can't stop talking about you [15 May 2006|09:04pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Crazy stories and things that I have done and have happened to me over the past couple days:

1. Saturday Night- This car drove up behind me and Kyle with it's lights on honking at us, and kept trying to push me forward by almost hitting me, then backing off, so I turned around and climbed onto the hood of his car and stared the driver down. Then they stopped after trying to go fast to scare me, and I got off. They yelled their approval. Don't fuck with me. :)

2. Saturday Night- Got really safe in Nick's car before above instance.

3. Saturday Night- Used the old barter system to score a huge chunk of cake in exchange for some illegal substances.

4. Saturday Day- Got safe in Central Park, then rented a boat and rowed around the lake, and bought a lot of vendor food, and bought a bunch of new clothes and sat in the massage chair for a long time and...

5. saw DAVE CHAPELLE in Sharper Image in the city :)

6. Sunday- watched all the Matrix movies, finally, while safe ;)

7. Monday- Went hiking for 4 hours and had crazy sex in the woods, also while safe.

In fact, why don't we all just accept the fact that I was safe during all of this. If you don't know what safe is, I need to get you safe ASAP.

Good past couple of days :) I'm coming home Thursday if anyone is interested, with Keating and Kyle. :)

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i have suffered but my friends say i have learned from it [02 May 2006|08:07pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Life is fan-fucking-tastic. Finally I nailed my acting class once and for all, so much so that my acting teacher spoke to the chair of the acting department about it, my speech teacher. Now I have the two teachers with the most power wanting me here. I think I'm set, I don't think they'll kick me out after this. It feels so good to feel strongly about knowing this. I love the strength it's giving me in my work.

We share our scenes on Thursday and Friday, and then evaluations are Monday, so that's when we find out where I stand, I guess.

Wish me luck! I love you all, life is going wonderfully for me. Kyle is incredible, such a dream come true. I'm so happy with him.

I'm writing a book. Well, at least, I think I'm writing a book. So far I'm only on the second page. But I'm trying :)

it's easier to let go
than to try and stop the flow
this flow that i have yet to judge
so whatever erupts
is my volcano
letting everything go seems
to my inproportionate thoughts
they aren't ready to escape the hole
of my mind
which is fine-
if i stop forcing the lies to be the truth
if i can just see you
for real
once in my life
if i can just open my eyes...

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and i can barely look at you but every single time i do i know we'll make it anywhere [16 Apr 2006|11:30pm]
[ mood | content ]

I've put on 10 pounds in the past semester and grown a cup size. This is huge. Regardless of the fact that my bitchy little sister told me "Fat boobs aren't real boobs." Meaning... what exactly? Because my breasts grew due to gaining weight they aren't real? Is there plastic in there? Something fake and demeaning to my body? Nope... just more breasts. Which I love. I'm going to try and lost the weight before and during the summer, but I'll miss fitting into a B size bra. It was lovely while it lasted :) I just can't handle having the tummy, I miss the flatness. No more munchies for me. Next time I get them, I'll just have to nibble on carrot sticks. Did that sound as pathetic to read as it did to write? Hang on, let me check...yea, it did. Tomyui.

PS Kyle and I are perfect.

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i thought about the things i thought about until immobilized with fear [09 Apr 2006|04:14am]
[ mood | lonely ]

I'm not really sure what's going.

It's 4:14. I'm not asleep. I don't know if I can sleep right now. I feel more alone than I ever have. I don't know why. I have that horrible pit of the stomach feeling and I can't get back in bed right now. I slept too much last night, it's my fault I'm like this right now.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Why am I never happy and why do I always have to manifest these problems in myself?

I wish I could crawl back in bed and hold on to Kyle and just let that be enough, but he's out cold and I'm too alone to cling to someone that isn't clinging back and have that be enough. But if he did I probably wouldn't be comfortable anyway.

I'm so lost.

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i feel stupid, and contagious [29 Mar 2006|09:23pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]

I just found two halves of cloves. Life will go on and I just might make it to Friday without buying more. Nervous about the program but that's my problem so I'm DONE. Worrying, that is. LALALALALALALAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and i am walking out in the rain
and i am listening to the low moan of the dialtone again
and i am getting no where with you
and i can't let go and i can't get through
and i've been watching your chest
rise and fall
like the tides of my life and the rest of it all
and your bones have been my bedframe and your flesh has been my pillow
and i've been waiting for sleep to offer up the deep with both hands.

i love you.

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